Couples therapy - Trusted Journeys

What Is Secure Attachment?

Fri, 25 Jun 2021 20:33:36 +0000

Secure attachment is one of four relationship styles outlined by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth in the 1950s and 1960s. It is the natural way people relate to each other in safe and secure social conditions. The remaining three relationship styles: anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant attachment, are all insecure. That is, they are self-protective relationship styles that emerge in uncertain and challenging situations.

In safe and secure families with attentive and responsive parents, children learn their unique, personal experience is welcomed and valued. Children learn to pay attention to their internal thoughts and emotions, express themselves to be heard and understood, and expect a sensitive, caring response. They feel safe sharing their own needs and perspectives and learn to respect others in return.

Humans are naturally sensitive and caring toward family members and close others. Happily, roughly 50% of people in the US interact securely in their intimate relationships.

How Do Securely Attached People Behave?

When people are securely attached, they value giving and receiving emotional support. When in distress, they naturally reach out to loved ones for comfort. If they become excited or surprised, they reach out to share their positive experiences. They prioritize being there to comfort and celebrate others’ experiences in return.

Securely attached people place a high value on their relationships. They frequently demonstrate their affection and appreciation. Conversely, when there is a threat to feelings of closeness, they react decisively to deal with the threat and restore relationship security.

If you are secure in your marriage or partnership, you may resonate with these statements:

If something distresses me, I reach out to my partner.
When my partner is disturbed, I’m the one person they most need to be there.
What’s most important is my relationship with my partner.
My partner and I are good at listening, understanding, and supporting each other.
I get angry at anything and anyone that threatens our relationship.
I can count on my partner to be there for me when I most need them.
It’s not my success or my partner’s success, but our success.
As long as my partner and I are close and connected, we can face anything.

Benefits of Secure Attachment

If you relate securely in your close relationships, you were likely born into a family with the safety and resources to attend to your unique emotional needs. Or perhaps you grew up with an insecure style, but you have been lucky to have a securely attached partner as an adult. Possibly, you have attained secure attachment by doing personal work.

No matter how you get there, being secure in your closest relationships brings tremendous benefits. Secure attachment brings soothing energy to the nervous system, benefitting your physical health, mental health, and all areas of your life. You are happier, less likely to get sick, more likely to recover from serious illness, and more likely to succeed in your career. Moreover, when you feel safe and secure, that soothing energy benefits those around you.

Keeping Your Relationship Strong

Secure attachment is on a continuum and is not something we can take for granted. Most people who are secure have a mixture of secure and insecure (anxious, avoidant, or fearful-avoidant) styles of relating. When situations become stressful or threatening enough, all people connect more insecurely.

For this reason, it is essential to nurture your relationship. One way to do this is to form or strengthen rituals between you in the morning, evening, or other times that are special for you.

Here are some quick ideas to consider:

Start the day with a simple kiss or hug.
Make time every day, even if it’s only a few minutes, to debrief and support each other with the highlights and the lowlights.
Make a big deal of your anniversary.
Work together on planning your celebrations, or take turns surprising each other.

Most importantly, take time to be curious. What don’t you know about how your partner is feeling? How are they doing? Make space to know your partner even more.

Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash

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What Is Avoidant Attachment?

Mon, 21 Jun 2021 16:19:50 +0000

Roughly 25% of the population relates with an avoidant attachment style. According to attachment theory, people can cope in insecure relationships by being anxious, avoidant, or fearful-avoidant. Everybody needs to feel accepted and cared for, just as much as they need food and water. When these emotional needs are not consistently met, avoiding emotional intimacy is the most common way to cope.

Rugged Individualism Is Avoidant Attachment

Western families often pride themselves on their rugged independence. Children may learn that to be strong, you must be independent. They may learn to be emotional is to be weak, especially for boys. People learn to relate this way, also called avoidant attachment, in overwhelmingly challenging situations.

Avoidantly attached people minimize the importance of emotions in relationships. Naturally, many people in survival conditions don’t have the luxury—the time, drive, or resources—to attend to people’s feelings. Unfortunately, this is often true even when it was the grandparents, or even great-grandparents, who survived very difficult life situations.

What Does Avoidant Attachment Look Like?

With avoidant attachment, people typically withdraw or become defensive in response to signs of sadness, hurt, or emotional pain. Similarly, they often ignore or move on from their own emotional needs to avoid feeling weak or a burden to others. Instead, avoidantly attached people work very hard to do things right for people they care about to avoid hurt and disappointment. To remain valued and connected, they focus on meeting other’s expectations rather than sharing emotions.

If you are avoidantly attached you likely relate to these statements:

No matter how hard I work, I can’t get it right for my partner.
When I’m seen as uncaring and insensitive, the opposite is true and I feel misunderstood.
I often feel not good enough in my intimate relationship.
Others demand I meet their expectations, even when I don’t expect them to care for me.
Yes, I’m frustrated at times because no matter how hard I try, I’m not appreciated.
I may appear cold and uncaring when I am feeling alone and helpless.

Avoidant Attachment Is Normal and Common

Unfortunately, parents in good families are often overwhelmed with their own personal, social, or financial threats. As a result, they are often unable to attend to their child’s emotional needs. In this event, children naturally learn to avoid leaning on parents for emotional support. Instead, children measure themselves for their ability to meet parent’s expectations.

In these families, it’s often best for children to ignore their own emotions, and focus on pleasing parents instead. Realistically, it is better not to feel sad or scared when parents are not able or likely to provide comfort.

Avoidant Attachment Is Tough

Looking calm and cool under stress is a hallmark of avoidant attachment. Under the surface however, pushing down or moving away from personal emotional reactions is tiring and stressful. As a result, people with avoidant attachment are at higher risk for health, substance abuse, and mental health problems.

If you are avoidantly attached, you relate this way to protect yourself in challenging situations. Fortunately, you can learn to relate securely. You may naturally evolve if you are lucky enough to be in a relationship with a securely attached partner. If you are in an insecure partnership the two of you can work together toward security. Often one partner relates with avoidant attachment and the other with anxious attachment,

Growing Toward Relationship Security

To begin the journey to secure attachment, become aware of the ways you avoid emotional intimacy. Note the good reasons you have now and in the past to use these strategies. Start by owning and naming the ways you try to keep your relationship safe. For example, “I withdraw because I’m afraid I’ll make things worse between us by showing my frustration,” or “I withdraw when I feel helpless to make things right for you.”

To grow faster toward relationship security, sign you and your partner up for a Hold Me Tight workshop. These workshops provide education about attachment strategies. They provide the structure and safety to be successful in intimate conversations. Alternatively, if you or your partner is struggling with mental health issues or substance abuse, prioritize couple therapy rather than individual therapy to build your relationship security and resolve the problem together.

Avoidant attachment is natural and widespread, but it is not ideal. If you are avoidantly attached, you can open up to new, healthier ways of relating. Alone or with a partner, you can pursue a path to relationship security.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

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What Is Anxious Attachment?

Thu, 17 Jun 2021 07:36:24 +0000

A Bit About Attachment Theory

Other scientists ridiculed John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth when they first developed attachment theory in the 1950s and 1960s. But now, most experts agree: Humans need other people as much as they need food, water, and air. More precisely, everybody needs others who accept and care for them.

According to attachment theory, people adopt one of four relationship styles to maximize feelings of caring and belonging in their family. With enough stress, families can become too overwhelmed to care for each other and to avoid hurting each other. People tend to adopt one of three “insecure” styles of attachment when their families have more stress than they can handle: anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant.

People who are anxiously attached intensify relationship signals and responses to relationship threats. For example, they may poke, direct, drag, plead and criticize to gain understanding and support. Roughly 20% of people in the US population related to their loved ones with an anxious style.

Relating Anxiously Is Normal in Stressful Environments

People naturally relate in an anxious way when their family is under significant stress. Unfortunately, many families deal with difficult circumstances, including unresolved issues from past generations. As a result, parents may miss or dismiss their children’s attempts to get attention and support. Alternatively, parents in difficult circumstances can be hyper-focused on protecting their children. In these situations, relating anxiously can maximize attention and support.

“Getting big” by being forceful about your feelings, or by poking, prodding or criticizing, makes sense. It can succeed in getting attention. Likewise, working hard to take care of the stressed people you depend on, so they can better care for you, makes complete sense too.

Though there are four universal styles of relating, each person is unique. Anxious attachment lies on a continuum and is not black and white. Also, many people combine attachment styles and respond differently in different situations.

It's No Fun to be Anxiously Attached

If you are anxiously attached, you may feel alone in your hard work to maintain close relationships. You may feel the weight on your shoulders of holding your family or marriage together. Perhaps you get angry because you work to care for others but feel unsupported yourself. Sadly but commonly, you may feel unimportant and uncared for.

If you are anxiously attached, you’re likely to relate:

Even if I’m tired at the end of the day, I take care of my partner and family.
If I need support, I have to poke my partner or make a case to get it.
I feel I hold most of the responsibility for our relationship.
My feelings are too much of a burden to others, so I try to take care of myself and ask for support only when I feel overwhelmed.
I often get angry or irritable because it doesn’t feel like my partner cares for me.
I may appear critical and controlling when I am actually feeling alone and overwhelmed.

Anxious Attachment is Taxing to Your Health

While anxiously attached, you’re constantly stressing. Your nervous system is continually responding to cues of threat. As a result, you’re risking your health and mental health, and becoming more vulnerable to substance abuse. Because you devote so much time and energy coping with your relationship, you may sacrifice other areas of life.

People learn to relate anxiously in childhood, and naturally carry their relationship styles into adulthood. Thus, relating anxiously has long-term negative consequences. However, people can and do change their attachment style.

Sometimes people become naturally more secure if they find a secure partner. Happily, couples can work on their relationships to move from insecurity to security. In the most common type of insecure relationship, one partner relates anxiously and the other with a more avoidant style.

Relating Anxiously Maintains Relationship Insecurity

If you have an anxious attachment style, you work hard to find safety and security in a stressful family situation or background. You may be frustrated, however. You may want to move you and your family to relationship security, and your attachment style isn’t getting you there.

To begin the road to relationship security, get more curious about your anxious attachment strategies. Note the good reasons you have them, in childhood and now. Next, own and name the ways you try to feel closer in your relationship. For example, “I nag at you when I’m feeling alone in taking responsibility.”

For a great way to jumpstart your path to relationship security, attend a workshop with your partner or engage in couple therapy. In particular, a Hold Me Tight workshop provides profound education on relationship strategies and gives you structured exercises and conversations designed for success. If you or your partner is in significant distress, prioritize couple therapy rather than individual therapy to build your relationship security at the same time you address the issue.

If you are anxiously attached, you have good reasons for it, and you’re in good company. Get curious, learn more, and pursue a path to relationship security.

Photo by Denys Nevozhai on Unsplash

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Are You Securely Attached in Your Relationship?

Wed, 19 May 2021 19:24:48 +0000

Take this brief quiz to assess your attachment style in your relationship. Are you securely attached? Or, do you have an anxious or avoidant attachment?

If you enjoy this quiz, I’d love to hear. Here’s the link if you’d like to share.

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Perfectionism: Mental Disorder or Relationship Strategy?

Sun, 16 May 2021 11:58:31 +0000

Perfectionists are those who constantly meet or demand expectations far beyond what most consider reasonable. As a result, perfectionists can appear flawless in their appearance, surroundings, or performance. In some cases, perfectionists place these harsh and exacting demands on others.

What is it like to be a perfectionist?

Many people are uncomfortable around perfectionists. Perfectionists often trigger feelings of irritation, resentment, and inadequacy in others. To intimate partners, perfectionists can be appreciated for their appearance or accomplishments but challenging for their rigidity and inability to relax.

On the other side, it’s not fun being a perfectionist either. On the contrary, it’s constant, unyielding, and lonely work. Sensing others’ reactions of irritation, envy, or judgment is hard. It’s especially painful when those closest to you are annoyed and impatient with your efforts to get things just right.

Why don't perfectionists change?

Then why be this way? To a perfectionist, it’s not a choice. Perfecting one’s appearance, surroundings, or tasks is the only way to feel comfortable and at ease. To relax and let things go feels unacceptable, even though working this hard to feel safe and comfortable can be exhausting. To the perfectionist, it’s not clear why this is, and the why doesn’t matter. It just is.

In therapy, perfectionists may learn their perfectionism is not a disorder or deficit but a relationship strategy necessary for their well-being. In particular, many learned from formative life experiences that disappointing others led to a sense of overwhelmingly negative consequences.

For example, disappointing one’s parents may not have brought their curiosity and support, but anger, criticism, or coldness. As a result, perfectionism is often a learned strategy to avoid being overwhelmed by feelings of sadness, fear, and the pain of feeling abandoned or rejected by caregivers.

Growing out of perfectionism.

While the strategy of perfectionism often develops early in childhood, perfectionists can remain stuck in this strategy throughout life. Others, including their partner, may respond to their personality with frustration and irritation. Without compassion and understanding, perfectionists bear the burden of overcoming their perfectionism and the underlying ocean of loneliness, sadness, fear, and pain on their own. Unfortunately, this is often impossible.

Thankfully, if you or your significant other struggles with perfectionism, couple therapy can be a great way out. Perfectionism is a relationship strategy for avoiding disappointment when there is no one to care for those feelings. Often, long-term patterns block vulnerable sharing and receiving of these feelings in one or both partners. Professional guidance brings awareness to these patterns and the safety to share and heal the deeper feelings. When couple therapy is not feasible, individual therapy can also help.

Lastly, if you know a perfectionist, practice bringing acceptance, curiosity, and compassion to your relationship with them. In particular, practice bringing those energies to any feelings of irritation, insecurity, or discomfort that the perfectionist triggers in you.

Photo by Andreas Strandman on Unsplash

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All Marriages are Challenging

Tue, 11 May 2021 21:19:52 +0000

In recent decades, half of the first marriages in the United States end in divorce. The chances a second or third marriage will last are even less. Unmarried couples in long-term committed partnerships have no better odds at long-term success. Almost all couples that do make it say it’s not easy.

Thus it’s safe to say most couples find themselves caught in challenging and painful negative relationship patterns. Tragically, once partners find themselves in negative relationship cycles, they often remain stuck indefinitely.

Why are intimate relationships so challenging?

In Western cultures, suffering is a normal part of life. In intimate relationships, each partner’s suffering is the other’s suffering, too. On the one hand, couples have the potential to care for each other’s suffering in extraordinarily powerful ways. Alleviating each other’s suffering brings beautiful feelings of happiness to both. Intimate partnerships hold the promise to see, understand, accept, comfort, and appreciate each other.

On the other hand, many couples don’t have the level of awareness needed to support each other emotionally. Instead, they attempt to provide support in practical ways by making money, providing a home and possessions, spending time, and doing things for each other.

While partners may appreciate each other’s practical supports, these supports may not address deeper, underlying emotional needs. When partners don’t fulfill deeper emotional needs, they become frustrated. With continued frustration, they may judge themselves, each other, and their relationship.

How can partners find the way to happiness from suffering?

To find their way out of frustration and judgment, partners can first understand it is normal for negative patterns to emerge in relationships. Rather than judge each other or their relationship, partners can welcome them with openness and curiosity. These patterns are a sign that something critical needs more understanding and support. They are a sign of underlying and unaddressed emotional needs.

Second, partners can prioritize addressing underlying emotional needs over ignoring them or trying to “fix” things for each other. With more educational resources than available to previous generations, partners can attempt to do this independently. Couples can learn to own and use their anger to get the relationship they want and deserve. They can develop new levels of emotional awareness. Ideally, partners can focus on repairing rather than preventing hurt. When patterns are too deep to go it alone, they can seek help early on.

With the relatively new availability of educational and therapeutic resources, couples have a greater ability than ever before to understand and heal negative relationship patterns. By making depth of emotional understanding and support a priority in their relationship, partners can successfully rise above the painful patterns that otherwise destroy relationships and relationship potential.

Photo by Mylon Ollila on Unsplash

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Failing in My Relationships

Thu, 06 May 2021 16:53:01 +0000

Chris was frustrated. He often sensed his wife was disappointed in him. But as much as he wanted to please his wife, he couldn’t figure out what he was doing wrong or how to make it right. Though the frequent sense of criticism wore at him, Chris kept trying. He was afraid if he relaxed too much around his wife, he’d make things worse. The most relaxing parts of his day were at work.

Chris didn’t realize that one or both partners in most couples struggle with these feelings. He kept the feelings to himself to protect his wife. He believed his in-laws spoiled his wife as a child. That explained why she could throw a fit if she didn’t get things her way. Stuffing his frustration, Chris took on the job of keeping the peace. Sometimes Chris wondered if he lacked knowledge or tools to succeed in his marriage.

Chris wasn’t looking to cheat on his wife. But when an attractive new co-worker joined the team, he couldn’t resist enjoying the easy, admiring conversations between them. Chris felt guilty about his attraction and hid his friendly relationship from his wife. Flirting with his co-worker, while dangerous, made him feel like himself again.

On a work trip, Chris threw caution to the wind. He felt unable to resist powerful feelings of attraction and desire. Chris didn’t know what would happen to his marriage but didn’t want to think about it. Nonetheless, he was overwhelmed with guilt, remorse, and a sense of being trapped on the flight home. Unfortunately, there was no way he could undo what happened. Moreover, he believed there was no way his wife would understand.

Chris kept the affair secret from his wife and tried to keep his co-worker happy with a fun, casual relationship. When Chris’s wife discovered the affair, the marriage blew up. After heated battles and toxic accusations, back and forth, Chris agreed to terms of a divorce that favored his wife. Through this painful time, his co-worker provided comfort and support. They transitioned to an open, committed relationship of their own.

Chris and his new wife worked hard to make their marriage work. They were aware of the fragility of their connection and the amount of baggage they were carrying. Both hoped for happiness and security. They may have known the chances of their success in a second marriage were lower than in Chris’s first marriage.

Five years later, Chris finalized his second divorce. He chalked up his second wife as a rebound relationship. He had a new partner with many common interests. They were buying a house together. He had lost another fortune and was not interested in marrying again anytime soon.

Sadly, Chris’s story is all too common. We hope to provide more support to people in Chris’s position. Couple therapy is becoming more accessible and more powerful. There is more education and resources to support couples. For example, Chris can learn to appreciate and use his anger, rather than try to bury it.

Quite sadly, it is natural to judge ourselves and our partner when we become stuck in relationship distress, or when our relationship fails. It’s also natural to judge others when their relationships fail. It’s harder to make sense of what’s going on in these cases with clarity and compassion. If you have any words of compassion for Chris, what would they be?

Photo by Yogendra Singh on Unsplash

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Top 5 Ways to be a Good Wife and Mother

Fri, 30 Apr 2021 03:36:10 +0000

Is being a good wife and mother of utmost importance to you? If so, here is a list of the top 5 things you can do to be the best wife and mother you can be.

Get good exercise and sleep.

Exercising regularly, at least 30 minutes a day, five days a week, and getting enough sleep, usually 7-8 hours, are essential for feeling good mentally and physically. Don’t focus on how good these activities are for you. Instead, focus on how good they feel in the moment.

Find a type of exercise you genuinely enjoy. While you’re exercising, notice how good it feels to move, to work your muscles and lungs. If it’s easier or more enjoyable, join an exercise group.

Make your bedroom a sanctuary for soothing and sexual energy. Keep out noise, technology, and project reminders. Instead, surround yourself with calming music, candles, colors, and self-care rituals. Going to bed for relaxation is a perfect way to end each day.

Build a social community.

Develop a community of people you genuinely like and find interesting. Developing meaningful, enjoyable friendships brings feelings of belonging, happiness, and security. You’ll have more opportunities to engage, learn, adventure, care for others, and receive care.

Eat well.

Eating a healthy diet helps you feel your best physically and mentally while preventing illness and disease. Even more, actively caring for your body by eating right increases your self-esteem today. Say “no” to soda, juice, and processed foods and “yes” to plants and unprocessed foods. To feel even better, keep the alcohol down to one drink a day or less.

Channel your creativity.

Make doing something creative that you love part of your weekly routine. Whether your channel is artistic, musical, or linguistic, giving yourself space to shine and express your deeper voice will bring you a stronger sense of self, joy, and well-being.

Keep growing mentally and spiritually.

Choose to enroll as a lifetime student in the development of awareness and wisdom. A daily meditation practice, over time, can work wonders. Meditation can increase self-awareness, compassion, and calmness. Going to therapy (better yet, bringing your partner with you) is a great way to jump-start your personal growth. Be a psychology student, remaining open to a lifetime of learning about yourself and your relationships. The further you develop, emotionally and spiritually, the more you will have to offer your loved ones.

Imagine how many times you’ve heard the airplane safety instruction, “In the event of an emergency, put your oxygen mask on first.” In the same way, put yourself first to be the best mother and wife you can be. Caring for yourself is the only way to be your best for your family. Lovingly, caring for yourself sends the powerful message that your partner and children can be their best selves, too.

If you’ve enjoyed this little reminder of something we all know, but sometimes forget, please share.

Photo by Austin Wade on Unsplash

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Communication Problems: #1 in Relationships

Mon, 26 Apr 2021 03:49:01 +0000

Communication problems are the #1 reason couples seek therapy.

Communication problems are the most common reason couples seek help for their relationships. Tragically, many couples can’t successfully talk through their issues, conflicts, or hurt feelings. Stuck and unable to communicate successfully, partners grow apart. Trying to talk things through and come closer only makes matters worse.

Over and over again, couples can find themselves stuck or making matters worse by desperate attempts to reach each other. This situation can be beyond frustrating, distressing, and confusing. Even worse, the partners can often talk easily with other people, but not each other.

This is because strong emotions often lead to misunderstanding.

Why is this? In contrast to less significant relationships, partners are highly emotional with each other. Emotions are intense because partners rely so much on each other. Couples depend on each other for everything from financial security to daily living to childrearing. Beyond that, most partners rely exclusively on each other for their sexual and most intimate emotional needs.

For this reason, partners register conflict of any kind as a significant threat. Emotions can arise instantly. Efforts to appear calm on the surface or manage emotions often signal more danger. Negative emotional messages can drown out the superficial issue at hand and become overwhelming. Communication can quickly spiral out of control.

In these situations, partners must work through their deeper emotions to become unstuck. These are separate from and more important than the issue at hand. Unfortunately, many people don’t have the tools to talk directly about their deeper emotions and soothe each other.

If this is your situation, you're not alone, and there's help.

If this is your situation, you’re not alone. Many couples are in the same boat. Unfortunately, however, there may be no simple or independent fix.

The best solution is often to find a therapist you both like. It’s crucial to choose a therapist specializing in couples work. A Hold Me Tight® couple workshop can also be a good option. If you can’t find a workshop in your community, try one online.

If you’ve recovered from communication problems in your relationship, please share!

Photo by Christiana Rivers on Unsplash. Hold Me Tight is a registered trademark of Dr. Sue Johnson.

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Hold Me Tight: Celebrating One Million Copies!

Wed, 14 Apr 2021 23:46:10 +0000

Sue Johnson first developed and taught her couple therapy model, Emotionally Focused Therapy, thirty-some years ago. Initially, she faced skepticism and objections from mental health professionals at her training events. At the same time, growing numbers of followers recognized the profound truths in Sue’s message. Today, EFT is widely adopted all over the world. EFT arguably has the best outcomes and most research support among all couple therapy models.

Key Messages in Hold Me Tight®

Sue views couples as having emotional bonds equivalent to the bonds between children and their parents. Partners are equal to each other rather than hierarchical, however. Each partner is both a child and a caregiver in the relationship.

The nervous system reacts automatically to potential threats to this bond. As a result, couples can easily trigger each other, then find themselves caught in negative relationship cycles. Surprisingly, all conflicts in close relationships can be seen as attempts to repair or protect a fractured bond.

Sue gives us a deep understanding and compassionate view of relationship distress. Better yet, couple relationships heal through the path of Emotionally Focused Therapy. Even couples in extreme distress, who have been in painful dynamics for years, can experience lasting healing and relief.

Sue’s first book for consumers, Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, published in 2008, just achieved the distinction of selling over a million copies. All couples should have it on their required reading list.

See yourselves with compassion.
Understand your fights.
Lastly, find a way out of ongoing negative patterns.

On behalf of all the couples, families, and communities who are better off today because of your work, congratulations to Sue!

If you’ve read Hold Me Tight, I’d love to hear from you.

Hold Me Tight is a registered trademark of Dr. Sue Johnson. Photo by Helena Lopes on Unsplash.

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