“Learning to trust is one of life’s most difficult tasks.”
– Isaac Watts
As a therapist, have you ever considered why client parts appear in the room? I used to think parts had everything to do with the clients protecting themselves—a legacy from their childhoods and nothing to do with me. My job was to manage my own parts so they didn’t react or get into negative cycles with theirs.
Now, I understand that parts are beings who mistrust others. They don’t expect to be—and usually are not—seen and supported. Gaining the trust of clients’ parts and working collaboratively with them is a crucial part of my role. Here’s what I have seen in my clients’ lives and in my life too:
Managers, firefighters, and exiles emerge when we experience others as not entirely trustworthy. Caregivers in our lives weren’t, or did not appear to be, capable, willing, and available to give us the care we needed. This loss meant we had to disconnect from large pockets of our life experience. Parts exist not because people were inherently unkind, but because they had too many burdens to give us the care and support we needed. Mistrust is a healthy, positive, and active response to maximize what others can give.
“I can build a stronger and more collaborative relationship with my clients when I see, appreciate, and support their parts and their valid reasons for mistrusting me…”
I can build a stronger and more collaborative relationship with my clients when I see, appreciate, and support their parts and their valid reasons for mistrusting me.
Parts automatically and unconsciously control our relationships with others to maximize belonging and acceptance.
Parts step in to hide our authentic needs when we perceive others can’t care for those needs. At the same time, they maximize the care they think others can actually give. Thanks to the mistrust of our parts, we can belong to and function in the burdened families and communities in which we live.
Parts are so good at protecting and helping us belong that most people never know they are there. We often confuse how our parts appear on the surface with who we are, and forget the hidden parts.
Parts maintain their mistrust of others when they experience not being seen or being seen negatively. This is their genuine, everyday experience, even in most therapeutic settings. However, that’s not the end of the story. Parts can develop trust in others when they experience being accurately seen, appreciated, and supported.
A therapist’s super skill is accurately seeing, appreciating, and supporting the relational purpose of the client’s parts in the room.
Photo by Andre Hunter on Unsplash
