Blog
Not Enough and Too Much
By Lori Marchak and Craig Stein We all know those inner refrains: I’m not good enough. I’m too much.They’re not random wounds. They make sense in context. For many men, the conditioned strategies of working hard, staying ahead, accommodating, and withdrawing once...
What if “Not Good Enough” is Right?
We all carry negative beliefs and accompanying strategies we picked up along the way—working to please, keeping the peace, staying calm and rational, or taking care of everyone around us. Most of the time, we refer to the negative beliefs behind these “coping...
Beyond the Roles
The turning points in my life have most often shown up unexpectedly. A door closes. A new path appears. Something shifts—sometimes before I have words for what’s happening. Those moments have asked me to change before I fully understood it.Sue Johnson and Emotionally...
More Than Trauma: How Social Conditioning Shapes Who We Become
“I didn’t yet understand that I was moving through a world that saw and treated me differently—and that those differences, though mostly invisible, had been shaping us all along.”I’ve spent a lot of time learning how childhood trauma and neglect shape the nervous...
Mistrust is a gift, both to oneself and to others.
In the previous post, I shared a story of a motorist whose car broke down in a snowstorm in rural Montana. After a long walk along a lonely road, he finally arrived at a ranch. Walking up to the door, he pounded and shouted, “Never mind, I don’t want your help!” He...
When Validation Backfires
“Nevermind, I don’t want your damn help, anyway!”– a man in a snowstorm, pounding on a stranger’s doorI remember a story my father told me in childhood, perhaps because he rarely engaged with me that way. A man’s car broke down in a snowstorm in the middle of nowhere...
Unseen Layers of Burdens
“The burdens we carry today result from generations of living in city-states, where people either must submit to oppression, become oppressive themselves, or become complicit with oppression to survive.”In my learning journey, I’ve been surprised to discover...
On Embracing Mistrust
Individuals’ parts typically harbor great mistrust for each other. Protective parts are generally polarized with other protective parts. The self-like manager, usually called “Me,” busily manages and controls various parts, experienced as different voices, impulses,...
What burdened parts want you to know
Protective and exiled parts, as described by the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model, manage people’s burdens. They keep burdens out of conscious awareness, take back control when they overwhelm the system, and search for a path toward resolution. Unfortunately,...
To be human is to be burdened
We all carry the weight of enormous burdens. As a caregiver, I help clients see and understand their burdens and help provide a safe container to release them. By their very existence, I know any client parts that show up to engage with me are burdened. Burdens are...
Longing for deeper belonging
Wise therapy models, like Emotionally Focused Therapy and Internal Family Systems, teach us to listen more deeply while clients share their stories and the problems in their current lives. We pay close attention to the nonverbal, right-brain-to-right-brain...
Quick guide to merging EFT and IFS
"Rather than debate their similarities and differences, consider what can happen when we bring Self Energy and secure attachment to ourselves and our clients." Emotionally Focused Therapy and Internal Family Systems work brilliantly together, even though they...
A Moment of Awakening
There is no remedy for love but to love more. – Henry David Thoreau On my journey to develop skills and expertise as a therapist for individuals and couples, I read books, attended professional trainings, studied videos of master therapists, had countless hours...
Inviting client parts to dance
“Learning to trust is one of life’s most difficult tasks.” – Isaac Watts As a therapist, have you ever considered why client parts appear in the room? I used to think parts had everything to do with the clients protecting themselves—a legacy from their...
Blaming Parts are Cultural, not Personal
Blaming parts can feel desperate to be seen and understood while, at the same time, they can ultimately expect to be ignored, judged, and misunderstood. Recall the blaming parts in the scene with Fred, Sheldon, and Marla: Fred sat comfortably in the therapist's...
Welcoming blaming parts
When people come to therapy, we help them feel safe cognitively before guiding them to experience more embodied levels of safety. Bringing much-needed support to blaming parts is a way to establish calmness and trust. In the presence of overwhelming suffering, each...
Delighting In A Lot Of Words
In our continuous journey to enhance therapeutic practices, I am excited to delve into a more profound method of client engagement that I have termed "Better Together." This approach integrates the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model with the Emotionally Focused...
Better Together: Integrating EFT, IFS, and PSIP
These days, I work in a new and emergent way that I’ve developed over the past eight years. Over this time, I’ve moved into a more secure relationship with EFT while expanding to divergent experiential models. I’ve named this approach Better Together, which supports...
Upcoming Opportunities to Learn EFT
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), developed by Dr. Sue Johnson and her colleagues, is largely responsible for transforming the field of couple therapy over the past 30 years. Without EFT training, couple therapy is often ineffective. With EFT, couple therapy has...
What Is Secure Attachment?
Secure attachment is the natural way people relate to each other in safe and secure social conditions, but cannot be taken for granted.
What Is Avoidant Attachment?
People who practice rugged independence have an avoidant style of relating to others. While common, relating this way is not ideal.
What Is Anxious Attachment?
Anxious attachment is one of three styles of coping with relationship insecurity. Anxious attachment often develops in childhood.
Are You Securely Attached in Your Relationship?
Take this brief quiz to find out of you are securely attached in your relationship, or if you have anxious or avoidant attachment.
Perfectionism: Mental Disorder or Relationship Strategy?
When is perfectionism a positive trait, and when is it unhealthy? Is perfectionism an individual disorder or relationship strategy?
All Marriages are Challenging
Fifty percent of first marriages end in divorce. The odds of long-term success are less in later marriages and unmarried couples. Recent advances in understanding help more couples succeed.
Failing in My Relationships
The story of Chris, stuck in failing relationships, is all too common. If you relate to Chris, you’re not alone.
Top 5 Ways to be a Good Wife and Mother
Is being a good wife and mother of utmost importance to you? If so, here is a list of the top 5 things you can do to be the best wife and mother you can be. Exercising regularly, at least 30 minutes a day, five days a week, and getting enough sleep, usually 7-8 hours,...
Communication Problems: #1 in Relationships
Communication problems are the number one problem in relationships. Couples having trouble communicating are not alone, and can receive help.
Six Steps to an Ideal Apology
Giving and accepting a genuine apology to someone you’ve hurt, intentionally or unintentionally, is a precious experience that builds your relationship stronger than ever. Here’s a step-by-step guide.
The Four Most Destructive Myths About Apologies
Four common myths about genuine apologies destroy countless opportunities to be more successful in our relationships.
“My vision is to empower a world in which we can all be seen, loved, and free to love wholeheartedly.”
— Lori Marchak, LCPC, LMFT